Darth Reed

Now that I'm playing way too much Bioshock...

2007-09-03T16:33:00.001-05:00

Now that I'm playing way too much Bioshock, I'm seeing conspiracy theories everywhere... I'm sure that somebody can fill in the details for themselves a la H.P. Lovecraft in Call of Cthulhu-style or Delta Green.

Vatican policeman dies in apparent suicide (Yahoo! News UK)

In the immortal words of Scooby Doo, "Ruh-roh!"

I heard echoes of this when the spousal unit and I watched the Lost Tales of Babylon 5. Exorcism in space. Where did I put that Rozerem?

Darth Vader Piñata? That's just wrong!

2007-08-22T12:04:00.001-05:00

Especially since it's not designed to be struck... Wouldn't be much left of the candy if you used a lightsaber anyway...

Darth Vader Piñata (Uber-Review)

Strike out.

It will only take 144 Foosh mints to kill me?

2007-08-13T18:07:00.001-05:00

Geez, I was worried that I have to chew Foosh mints two at a time these days just to stay awake... Now I can worry about something more interesting, like the caldera volcano under Yellowstone National Park blowing us all into an unhappy place.

Use the Death by Penguin Mints calculator to figure out how many caffeine delivery tablets of your choice will kill you. If you prefer your caffeine in liquid form, use the Death by Caffeine calculator. (Why couldn't these be combined into one?)

I think I should register a new gamertag: CaffeineStrike.

OK, that's dumb, GW. You need to re-thunk that.

2007-07-12T22:45:00.001-05:00

Games Workshop does more to themselves to insure their permanent obscurity than their competitors ever could.

Games Workshop Forbids Warhammer Fan Films (Slashdot)

*sigh*

GW seems to be reading from the T$R playbook from way back in the day. Not smart.

Microsoft and Bungie have "endured" some of the worst fan films (on YouTube no less) than anything I could imagine involving 40k... because they understand that it propagates the brand by viral entertainment. I think I'll be scarred forever by the Halo Kitty... but I own everything Halo that you could possibly imagine (and some you can't) including the Halo 3 Zune.

Strike out for GW.

Tycho apparently discovered Fiery Habanero Doritos

2007-06-27T08:12:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure I get the title, but I'm sure this was spawned by the current Doritos promotion on Xbox Live...

A Cogent Argument Against Faith (Penny Arcade)

We love Fiery Habanero Doritos. Over at Fort Reed, we consume several bags a week. It's my second favorite spicy food, right after Dave's Insanity Sauce. Unless you're a manly man and have a high tolerance for capsaicin, use with caution.

Strike now!

It's the little things...

2007-06-23T15:10:00.001-05:00

In the name of all that's holy, this has to be the worst/funniest roleplaying situational comedy crossbred with a pun that I've read in a long time.

It's the little things (Dork Tower)

I've always loved John Kovalic's work. That's hysterical. Keep it up, John!

Strike first!

And this is how persecution starts...

2007-06-22T11:13:00.001-05:00

I realize that Tim is just goofing around, but... what if Ethan's right? Does Lucas have the right to torture and torment him because he has a goofy idea?

"Shook Loose" (CTRL+ALT+DEL)

I feel compelled to point out that "No one expects that Spanish Inquisition!"

Strike back, Ethan!

That's the funniest thing I've seen all day!

2007-06-19T23:35:00.001-05:00

*roflmao*

Squirrelpult (Gizmodo)

Squirrel-go-round (Gizmodo)

*chuckle*

Strike a squirrel!

It's good to be the... Overlord.

2007-06-17T10:57:00.001-05:00

I love Shadowrun, even though I never played the RPG aeons ago when people still used pen and pencil for that sort of thing. It's Counter Strike with magic, which is cool (too many action games don't give you 'bots to practice against -- 'bot games should be MANDATORY, and when I am evil overlord, they will be!), but I'm not sure that Shadowrun rates a blog post yet.

Overlord, on the hand, does rate that highly!! And I've only played the demo. CodeMasters are a new, special brand of evil coders. What more evil could you imagine than to give players an over-the-shoulder, shooter-style view of the action and only one button (not stick, button!) to control the camera! Now that's eeevil. Now add a fireball spell to the mix to enhance the frustration with aiming! Fortunately, I have self-sacrificial minions to send into the fray to distract mine enemies while I struggle with the small details, like aiming...

There are apparently bombs involved in the game, I just didn't get to see any in the demo. Minions with pumpkin helmets is too much fun to start with, not to mention that they will slavishly die for my own small benefit. Thulsa Doom and Sauron got nothin' on me!! I salivate with anticipation over what assassin minions might be capable of...

I've been wishing that somebody would bring Lemmings-style play to the Xbox 360, and this is probably as close as I'll get this year, so I'll be pre-ordering Overload today.

Strike now!

Dear God, no! Please don't let such evil into the world. Amen.

2007-06-10T22:37:00.001-05:00

I'm not really sure what else to do but pray.

The Sims movie planned (GameSpot)

Dear God, no! Please don't let such evil into the world. Amen.

Strike first!

Another modded console bites the dust!

2007-06-08T17:18:00.001-05:00

Now that's a hysterical use of a copyright violation. Modded Xbox 360 consoles everywhere are quaking in fear. It's got to be the funniest headline that I've seen all day: "Hitler gives upon the war and decides to play with his Wii!"

DampOwls kindly provided two versions, one for most of us and one for the younglings and other profanity-sensitive types.

Hitler's Ultimate Downfall (Clean Version, YouTube)

Hitler's Ultimate Downfall (Unclean Version, YouTube)

Hitler, you deserved that (and worse), you silly monkey.

Strike out!

This is the President you are looking for...

2007-06-07T17:01:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you're well aware that I support Fred for President.

<invoke_darkside_powers>You support Fred for President.</invoke_darkside_powers>

Strike now!

Trouble in paradise? The trouble with Google?

2007-06-05T10:23:00.001-05:00

I would never have expected Microsoft Watch to print something like The Google Problem. Wow. Maybe we'll get snow in Houston before the 4th of July!

Strike first!

Where's the Fence?

2007-06-05T08:20:00.001-05:00

If you remember "Where's the beef?" then you should watch this... for old times' sake.

Where's the Fence? (The Whipping Post)

Congress needs to go on strike!

Seriously geeky book humor.

2007-06-01T11:53:00.001-05:00

I like it. Thanks, Randall!

Strike down.

More global warming evidence in Argentinean freeze.

2007-06-01T11:12:00.001-05:00

All we need to reduce alleged global warming is more alleged concerts by Sting and more alleged publik warnings by Algore.

Argentina cold snap causes energy woes (Yahoo! News)

[My favorite so far this year is still the moose who invaded an Alaskan town because the snow in the back country was too deep for his liking.]

Al, don't go on strike!

It's like a... giant margarita parasol?

2007-05-31T12:49:00.001-05:00

The real question is, once we put up our sulfuric umbrella (assuming that no unforeseen consequences result, like acid rain), what do we do when the sun's current fever goes into remission? Russia knows how to prevent global warming - (RIA Novosti) may seem like a good idea to the greenies out there, but... I for one don't want a cloud of noxious, human-created gas floating around over my head. Let's limit that to Massachusetts and Washington, DC, please.

Strike four! You're out.

Griffins may become an endangered species.

2007-05-31T09:16:00.001-05:00

Although the Houston Comical author tried to spin this sideways, NASA chief doubts urgency of global warming (Chron.com), I'm cheering for Michael Griffin. If I get elected next year, I'll do my best to see that he keeps his yob!

In unrelated news, I find it fascinating that cosmologists who study the destruction of entire galaxies due to "natural processes" cannot maintain sufficient scientific detachment to consider that we humans couldn't produce enough energy tomorrow to reverse a truly global trend if we wanted to...

If the ecoterrorists promise to stay on the coast, I humbly suggest that we all pitch in a melt a few more ice caps, eh? If Algore is right, another couple degrees will mean that Fort Reed will soon be ocean front property! w00t!!

Strike back!

Yet Another New Toy I Want

2007-03-31T08:09:00.000-06:00

The Jet Man doesn't have a production model yet, so I might have to settle for this in the meantime: Bugatti Veyron at top speed (Daily Motion)

I guess I'll have to start another company just to subsidize my fuel and tire cost for operating the Veyron. Woohoo!

Score one for the good guys!

2007-03-28T15:07:00.000-06:00

I'm still miffed with Governor Perry about the new business tax and several other things; however, when he does something good, I will still publicly thank him on behalf of Texas. Thank you, Mr. Perry.

Governor Perry signed the Castle Doctrine into law in Tejas this week, making it one of 16 wins (so far) nationwide for the NRA and the people our great nation (at least in those states) this legislative session. Most excellent!!

It doesn't become effective until September, but it should be enough to prevent otherwise malicious prosecutions and civil suits against law-abiding citizens who are forced by the bad guys to defend themselves in the intervening months.

Strike now!

Not to be outdone by Apple, Google introduces the Gphone...

2007-03-18T05:41:00.000-06:00

Illiad does it again with An Unauthorized Preview of Google's Mobile Phone Offering (UserFriendly). I think he nails it. He knows the prospective audience well and imagines how badly the details might come out like in actual practice. Nevertheless, you can almost hear the fanboy panting now. What's next? Google-branded sex toys?

Strike out!

Always wear protection? Level IIIa, baby!

2007-03-16T09:32:00.000-06:00

Don't worry, Lucas. People might think you're weird for wearing Kevlar® on a date, but if (like me) watching certain parts of "Vanilla Sky" was like having a flashback of dating life before marriage, they wouldn't laugh.

Always Wear Protection (Ctrl+Alt+Del)

I'm really glad that I was smarter than Tom Cruise, though, I got out of the car the first time my spidey sense tingled! I'd hate to be trapped inside a virtual reality when I was that young.

Besides, people look at me funny even when I wear so-called concealable body armor to the gun range for a little target practice...

FWIW, I also recommend that Class IV steel insert to complement the Kevlar®, because you can never be too careful.

Strike plate!

Now that's a scary map.

2007-03-12T17:33:00.000-06:00

Many people question why the Mrs. and me are avid shooters and train seriously in krav maga... (And plan to soon enroll the younglings as well!). We will continue to simply point to the National Sex Offender Registry.

We support the efforts in the Texas legislature to make some sex crimes with minors a CAPITAL OFFENSE. The death penalty is as close as we can get to good enough for child rapists.

Strike one should be OUT!

Just curious... Who do you want to see in the Oval Office in '08?

2007-03-12T11:38:00.000-06:00

I'm not normally into web-based petitions (they're even lazier than protest marches), but having surveyed the available self-appointed candidates that want my nomination, I think it's time to draft somebody with national stature, a proven conservative record as a Senator and a camera-presence that even Democrats will agree is polished and presidential. Even most of the people who disagree with him still like and respect Fred.

http://draftfredthompson.com/

http://fred08.com/

I'd like to see Dr. Rice or Ron Paul as his running mate for veep. YMMV. Especially if you support the McCain Mutiny, our pal Barak Hussein Obama or Mrs. Bill Clinton… Heh.

Strike a vote now!

Let's hope the British Jedi in Parliament recognize the rise of the next successor to Chancellor Palpatine...

2007-03-12T09:11:00.000-06:00

Our erstwhile Emperor has a successor in Britain. His name is Brown. If Palpatine were alive, he would love this guy! If a guy's too wacky to join the Masons and the Illuminati won't have him, where's he go? He jumps on the Green bandwagon!!

Brown wants 'new world order' to fight global warming (Yahoo! News)

Let's get some UN storm troopers over there to protect this guy before the Jedi recognize a Communist in Green clothing and take him down.

Or we could just denounce him for the fruit that he is (and have another rival to our own global domination removed by the opposition).

Strike out!

w00t!! Score another one for the good guys!!!

2007-03-10T10:40:00.000-06:00

In the wake of the Libby travesty, it is with shock and amazement that we see this kind of strict constructionist ruling out of the DC District Court of Appeals! A big Texas yeehaw for the Constitutionalists!! The NRA legal team will be getting even more support and $$ from Fort Reed hereafter.

D.C. Gun Ban Ruled Unconstitutional, Violates Individual Right To Own A Gun (NRA-ILA)

With "rulers" like Schoolbus Nagin taking away peoples' only means of self-defense in the wake of a catastrophe that cripples even law enforcement capability, it's critical that we get this decision affirmed by the Supremes as the law of the land!

Maybe we can even take back California from the 9th Circus!!

Call your Congresscritters and tell them we need the Castle Doctrine implemented as Federal law.

Strike now!

I'm not a Penny Arcade fan, but...

2007-03-05T14:50:00.000-06:00

This was too funny to pass up... It's a comic, but accurate, depiction of Sony-style shopping on the PlayStation.

Joy, And Joy Unrelenting (Penny Arcade!)

I heard a suggestion earlier that somebody should do a series of spoof commercials for PS3 and Xbox 360. "Hi, I'm a PS3." "And, hi, I'm an Xbox." I think that would be a fantabulous idea.

Strike now!

Anti-SLAPP lawsuits and video games?

2007-02-27T22:28:00.000-06:00

Uh-oh. What does Borat have to do with "violent video games"? Read this little post and see...

DonkeyXote tells all: Borat lawsuit dismissal and video game suits

Hrm. If Donkey's theory holds, it seems like parents will have to continue parent their children and pay attention to what their younglings are doing...

Strike long and strike hard!

ROFLMAO - Just because it's funny, doesn't mean it's not true!

2007-02-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

The ranting and raving in the comments here about a .45/.410 Taurus revolver has amused my sleep-deprived brain... It's made for good reading while I pretend to watch 24. The Taurus website confirms the reality, though: Model 44 Ten .45/.410 (2.5" chamber) Stainless Steel Revolver But what I want to know is why did they call the .45LC revolver "Model 44"? Just to confuse everyone? I like the longer barrel with the fiber optic sight, personally. It's might be worth $553 just to make a couple entertaining videos of newbies shooting a LARGE caliber handgun...

Strike now!

Poor Sony. Welcome to the Bad Press Club™

2007-02-26T17:26:00.000-06:00

Despite the snappy tune, it's not one that Sony executives are likely to be dancing to (in a fun way).

How You killed your brand. (YouTube)

Strike out!

An old one, but a good one...

2007-02-22T17:23:00.000-06:00

If you don't know who The Master Chief is... don't even talk to me.

The Master Chief (an autobiography, sort of)

Strike now!

Opinions always vary... PC and Mac?

2007-02-22T14:37:00.000-06:00

You knew that somebody would have a good response sooner or later (some of the earlier spoofs aren't very good). These are much funnier, IMAO, than the originals.

Guess which one's my favorite...

Strike three!

For a minute there, I thought they were talking about me...

2007-02-09T10:22:00.000-06:00

Then I noticed that the Mysterious Congressman Announces Dark Horse Candidacy (The Onion) was listed as a Democrat... Good. My secret is still safe. Nobody knows yet that I plan to run in 2008. Heh.

Strike now!

Now I have a doctor's prescription for playing Gears of War?!

2007-02-08T09:36:00.000-06:00

Cool! Study: Video Games Good For Your Eyes

Not that I needed a doctor's note, but it never hurts to be vindicated, right? Maybe I won't need that lasic surgery after all? Heh.

[Seriously, though, I think the article's conclusion is off target. Just because playing Xbox is good for your visual processing neurology doesn't mean that it's actually good for your ocular health.]

Strike quickly!

YouTube will destroy our culture or...

2007-02-07T10:03:00.000-06:00

YouTube will destroy our culture or... Save us from the next generation. I think this video speaks for itself: AFV Dog Shock Collar (YouTube)

Maybe saving us from the next generation will require destroying our culture.

Strike some kid who needs it!

I was momentarily embarrassed...

2007-02-07T09:19:00.000-06:00

Yes, after lampooning California Residency as a diagnosable disorder, I was momentarily embarrassed to be a Texan when Governor Goodhair decided that he wanted to be the first to mandate HPV vaccinations for little girls who aren't at risk for it... but I knew it wouldn't last. Thankfully, New York has stepped up with something even stupider: Bill Banning iPods In Crosswalks Slated For Albany

Are they also going to ban DEAF PEOPLE from walking in crosswalks in New York? As a unilaterally deaf person, I think I might have to sue somebody in New York for trying to socially equate me with iPod listeners, dammit. Fortunately, I think the lawmakers in Albany probably aren't enough to include other music players than the iPod, so even if I go off my medications and retract my vow to never visit New York (again), I should be safe from the law while listening to my Zune in a crosswalk. I'll just have to watch out more carefully for the insane taxi drivers...

Is there such a thing as fair taxation?

2007-02-06T12:06:00.000-06:00

Short answer: No. Read on anyway...

Normally, I'm completely unsympathetic to the plight of others (even with regards to taxes), but I'm looking to buy a helicopter in the not so distant future, so I'm a little sympathetic to what Bill has to say in Fair Taxes?. Y'all know that I'm a fan of W, but his accountants are misleading him about what percentage of general aviation (GA) is actually paying taxes.

Why would I need a helicopter? To paraphrase, Tina Turner, "What's need got to do with it?" It's freaking helicopter! My cousin gets to drive an Apache around and be shot at, and that sounds like so much fun that I want in on it. Heh. Seriously, Fort Reed needs a chopper just so that me and mine can escape Houston in the event of catastrophic bureaucratic mismanagement during a mythical emergency like Hurricane Rita).

Bill White pretty much screwed anyone who lives in Evacuation Zone A and B (Galveston Island, etc) by panicking the herd animals onto the narrow Gulf Coast escape routes... even though we knew by Thursday that Rita was going to strike Orange and Louisiana. A secret helicopter is pretty much the only guarantee that we can safely scoot north into the mountains and avoid the whole mess.

Does anybody know where I can go and completely avoid taxes, too? (Besides the great libertarian paradise in the sky that Ayn Rand has gone to?)

Strike now!!

FEMA 1, New Orleans 1?

2007-02-05T18:01:00.000-06:00

Is this another troubling case of humor imitating life? Heh.

FEMA Calls Rebuilding Complete As New Orleans Restored To Former Squalor (The Onion)

I can't find anywhere to link to it, but Rush Limbaugh defended Ray "School Bus" Nagin (again) on Friday 02 February 2007 over School Bus' comments about NYC's inability to rebuild the WTC. Rod Sterling must've gotten loose from his crypt before the full moon...

Go on strike! No Mardi Gras until FEMA (and the rest of the Fed) are abolished!!

New DSM V Disorder Classification: California Residency

2007-01-31T07:03:00.000-06:00

SACRAMENTO, CA - Although California Residency is technically defined in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual V as a subclassification of non-trivial, age-indiscriminate dementia, this new addition to the dementia family of disorders is exemplified by the following frightening occurrence (as reported by Reuters): California may ban conventional lightbulbs by 2012.

What I want to know is why... Because they cost less than the new-fangled fluorescent bulbs? Because the light they produce isn't a funny color? Because the Sun is going to melt us all (we hope) before we collectively admit that humans don't cause "global warming"?

Somebody call in an air strike!

From the WTF file... Chinese boy kill hundreds of chickens by... screaming?

2007-01-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

I normally take court rulings from other countries, especially communist ones, with a grain of salt, but when there is actual research on the subject (see Improbable Research : Pathology: voice of doom)? I mean, just because some of our Supreme Court justices think that it's appropriate to cite foreign law to settle domestic constitutional disputes doesn't make it OK (to me), but when the World's Poultry Science Journal (I kid you not!) has done a study about the frequencies of sound which cause internal organ damage to broiler chickens? Well, then the matter must be settled, right?

WTF, people. The only thing saving my sanity is that the research was done in Scotland. We (meaning my ancient Irish ancestors) sold those bagpipes to the Scots as a joke and they still don't get it... so maybe they need to do a bit more research on the subject of hazardous sound vibrations. (Hint: the Irish pipes have a much more mellow, pleasing sound than the scalded cats used in Scotland.)

This case has got to strike fear into the hearts of KFC employees everywhere. With screaming three year old children being kicked off of airplanes, who knows where unspanked, wailing children will show up next? (Clue: properly spanked children cannot scream... they're in too much pain to do more than sob. See Bill Cosby "Himself" or Russell Peters "Outsourced" for relevant details.) Maybe California is right to ban parents from spanking their children. It's the California parents (and legislators) who need the spankin'!!

Strike now!

Until we can nuke telemarketers...

2006-10-18T07:44:00.000-05:00

OK, now that’s funny. Bob & Tom have come up with a whole new way to deal with telemarketers. Until I finish work on my gigawatt telemarketer elimination device (which will attach to any standard telephone and run on standard 110v current), this might be the most fun we can have with telemarketers!

Strike now!

They said it would never happen... They lied.

2006-10-18T07:32:00.000-05:00

Firearms registration will never lead to firearms confiscation, they said. Despite a thousand years of recorded human history, from Japan in the Middle Ages to modern day South America, many people continue to believe the lie. The gun-haters and gun-banners continue to spew their pap and their bile and ignorant voters continue to consume it. It has to stop before we find ourselves in an American Sudan or an American Rwanda. Guns equal freedom for the armed citizenry. It ain’t about duck huntin’.

Without cause, without justification, the backwoods Louisiana police in and around New Orleans confiscated firearms from law-abiding citizens who had registered them according to the law, without a court order, without a warrant... over a YEAR ago. Those firearms have never been return to those free citizens. They committed no offense. They stand accused of no crime. Yet Ray Nagin and his police goons refuse to return the property to their rightful owners. Give them back!

The election season is upon us, and if you can afford the same kind of armed guards that Rosie O’Donnell and Ted Kennedy hire, then by all means vote for the jackass party or stay home and sit out the political process that our forefathers and grandfathers died to protect. But if you’re like me and you’ve got a family to protect, do the right thing, march down to the polling place and pull the big R lever. You can be mad as hell at the party or the individual members, but the stakes are too high to cede control of the government to the enemy. The last time they were in control, innocent people were slaughtered at Waco and Ruby Ridge... on American soil.

Strike down gun control!

The next time Mother has vole troubles

2006-08-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

We should all chip in for one of these... Varmint Getter Think “legal fuel-air munitions on a stick” and you’ll be close. A friend of mine in the Denver area has a prairie dog problem on the family ranch (which has lead to a rattlesnake problem) and is thinking about buying one. Apparently, you can only shoot so many prairie dogs before your trigger finger gets tired...

Now imagine what you could do with the propane tank on the patio grill and a butane lighter? Khaboom!

However, if the FAA finds out that you can make a bomb out of aerosol gasses and oxygen, they might mandate that we stop both breathing and flatulating while aboard aircraft, ya’ know?

Strike a match!

I think Jon Stewart said it best...

2006-06-29T02:26:00.000-05:00

While discussing the recent coverage of the idiots picked up in Miami for wishing they were cool enough to be terrorists, he said, "CNN: The most trusted name in AAAIAIAIAIIEEEEEE!!!"

Big Coffee is learning from Big Tobacco

2006-06-20T09:24:00.000-05:00

Some people are taking this "sue Starbucks" nonsense at face value. Certainly Rush Limbaugh is. It's entertaining, but I disagree. Starbucks has too long been a good liberal ally. So, unless they've sold out to capitalistic eeevil... Oh, wait. Perhaps they have? Heh. How many frou-frou coffee shops does Starbucks have worldwide now?

Either liberals are now eating their own young companies (not just aborting them) -- or -- Starbucks has seen how successful Phillip Morris & Company have become since the Federal Government sued them. Other companies sued by silly people (Microsoft, AT&T, etc) have been very successful. Rumor has it that McDonald's got more than enough sympathy purchases of coffee after the $2.5-billion hot coffee incident to make up for the stupid jury judgment.

In my imagination, Starbucks is in cahoots with the communist idiotistas at the "Center for Science in the Public Interest" to pump up their own over-expanded business. Starbucks doesn't want to lower themselves to becoming just another franchisor, and they need something to spur further growth! What better way to gain sympathy with the black coffee-drinking conservative crowd that has always mocked Starbucks inability to call a large coffee what it is than to become "the target" of a known liberal hack "consumer health group"?

Don't fall for it, people! The wackos at CSPI won't sue Starbucks. Overpriced, over-roasted (burned) coffee is safe. It's just a PR campaign.

Strike out!

Trek this!

2006-06-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

It might come as a surprise, but I'm NOT a Trek fan... [People are usually Star Wars fans or Star Trek fans -- not the same kind of people. Trekkies are weird. I'm in the enlightened category of Serenity-verts: Joss Whedon is my master now.] Anyway, on to the real point...

This video is hysterical. Especially because the Trekkies get their asses kicked and run away like UN peacekeepers. USS Enterprise encounters the Death Star. *roflmao*

Strike now!

Pot, Kettle, Megatron...?

2006-06-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

OK, so I haven't blogged here in a while. Get over it. I've been living without Firefox, and life was good. But now I'm back... Willis doesn't title his ShortPacked comix, but if he did, this one should be called Pot, Kettle, Megatron...?. Heh. Shoot first!

Infamous disclaimer [revised]

2006-02-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

Being of unsound mind and slightly round body, I am, of course, belated in posting my obligatory blog disclaimer. Better late than fired, I always say. I have borrowed heavily from Wlodarczyk's blog's disclaimer. My apologies in advance for my heavy usage of apostrophes and commas. No humor contained herein should be construed to mitigate or reduce the seriousness of the subject matter.

I am currently an employee of Microsoft® Corporation. My blog is still mine®. Oops, 5-yard penalty for inappropriate use of ®. The opinions represented in this blog are mine as well and may not (and probably won't) represent my employer's opinions or the opinions of my employer's shareholders. I have not been brainwashed by anyone to write praises about Microsoft® Corporation, Microsoft® partners or Microsoft® Corporation technologies, I'm just writing about consulting in general, the technology (occasionally with specifics), science fiction and other random things that I love, especially my kids. OK, well, maybe I won't blog about my kids, but you've been warned, just in case I do! All of my posts will include information that is public knowledge, so don't look to me to get internal information about any future Microsoft® Corporation initiative or Microsoft® Corporation product. My blog is still mine, just like my Irish lineage. There may be other blogs elsewhere with my name on them. Ya' hae be'n warn'd.

Now back to your regularly scheduled random information.

Be careful with Lego Mindstorms (in Europe)

2006-02-05T20:05:00.000-06:00

Even though I'll likely be abandoning this blog soon, I could let this pass by without comment...

Be careful with Lego Mindstorms in Europe (Germany specifically). The Freaks Across the Pond^TM are so paranoid at the moment that even Caucasian geeks with expensive toys can be arrested and detained upon suspicion of having fun. Wow. God bless America.

Strike out!

Least-Privilege Development (and why SD must be SEs, too)

2006-01-18T09:38:00.000-06:00

Just a reminder to everyone (especially me) as you adopt virtualization and least-privilege development to improve your methods, your software quality and your profitability... DON'T FORGET TO LOG INTO THE DEVELOPMENT ENVIRONMENT AS AN ADMINISTRATOR ONCE IN A WHILE! Automatic Updates are a great thing, but if you live as a non-administrator most all of your working life (and you damn well should!), you'll never get alerted that those updates are available. Heh.

You need to treat your development image (VPC or VMware) as a real development server and practice your SE (systems engineer) skills to maintain it like a real development server. A real SD (software developer) should be an SE plus a computer scientist, AI psychologist and digital therapist. If you can't do what an SE does every day with your eyes closed in addition to the rest of your work, how can you expect to develop top-flight software or help the runtime SE team figure out what went wrong?

Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy, sir! - Cobra Kai Creed

BizTalk 2004 & multiple input maps no workie.

2006-01-03T20:06:00.000-06:00

OK, so this sucks, too. BUG: You cannot create a map that accepts multiple input message schemas in the same namespace in BizTalk Server 2004 Even with the hacks in that KB article, trying to create a multiple input map with more than one SQL Data Adapter-generated schema just flat out doesn't work.

BizTalk 2004 can't handle array types returned from web services and now it can't handle multiple root node schemas in the mapper... This is me having a Merry New Year. Grrrrr.

Strike out.

RE: More on .NET 2.0 and BizTalk 2004

2006-01-03T18:01:00.000-06:00

Turns out that the Listen shape in BTS2k4 is hosed up under .NET 2.0 (duh!) but the fix is easy. See http://www.biztalk-server.com/ftopic7021.html

Basically, you put the following in your BTSNTSvc.exe.config and you're gold:

<startup>
<supportedRuntime version="v1.1.4322" />
</startup>

My pet theory is that BizTalk Server 2004 is doing something naughty and not-threadsafe inside the Listen shape that wasn't caught until .NET 2.0 imposed stricter thread discipline by throwing exceptions when those naughty things were done.

We speculate. You decide.®

Strike out!

More on .NET 2.0 and BizTalk 2004

2006-01-03T16:49:00.000-06:00

I posted something about this conflict earlier and promised more details later. The big update is that I have "successfully" reproduced the error on a single CPU machine (Virtual PC actually). The big difference between the BizTalk Virtual PC that works (on the same notebook) and the one that doesn't is the one that fails is built using the Volume License version of Microsoft Windows Server 2003 Standard Edition, and the one that works is build using the MSDN/retail version. Bust. More as details become available.

Event Type: Error
Event Source: .NET Runtime
Event Category: None
Event ID: 0
Date: 1/3/2006
Time: 5:38:31 PM
User: N/A
Computer: AVA_VPC_DREED
Description:
The description for Event ID ( 0 ) in Source ( .NET Runtime ) cannot be found. The local computer may not have the necessary registry information or message DLL files to display messages from a remote computer. You may be able to use the /AUXSOURCE= flag to retrieve this description; see Help and Support for details. The following information is part of the event: Unable to open shim database version registry key - v2.0.50727.00000.

Event Type: Warning
Event Source: BizTalk Server 2004
Event Category: BizTalk Server 2004
Event ID: 5410
Date: 1/3/2006
Time: 5:38:50 PM
User: N/A
Computer: AVA_VPC_DREED
Description:
An error has occurred that requires the BizTalk service to terminate. The most common causes are an unexpected out of memory error and an inability to connect or a loss of connectivity to one of the BizTalk databases. The service will shutdown and auto-restart in 1 minute. If the problematic database remains unavailable, this cycle will repeat.

Error message: Object synchronization method was called from an unsynchronized block of code.
Error source: Microsoft.XLANGs.Engine

BizTalk host name: BizTalkServerApplication
Windows service name: BTSSvc{7F66E0D9-B60D-4831-A9B0-C30754C68BBD}

For more information, see Help and Support Center at http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.

bluejack Q :: Mobile Phone Bluejacking

2005-12-29T08:23:00.000-06:00

With Citibank and other poised to issue mass quantities of RFID-enabled credit cards next year, this will be fun! Bluejacking

An SD Time email newsletter (that they don't webify for some stupid reason - hence it's clipped in its entirety since I can't link to it) reminded me to post this.

From SD Times “News on Thursday” 2005.12.29:

What the Heck Is Blue Jacking, and Can I Do It in Public?
By Alex Handy

There was a time when our wallets were the most secure location on our bodies. Then, along came cell phones and PDAs, and human beings were granted the ability to lock down their portable information with a password. But as phone and PDA technology advances, those wallets are starting to look a lot more secure.

Enter blue jacking, the act of sniffing out information transmitted via Bluetooth. While a pickpocket must be physically touching his victim in order to yank out that wad of bills, a blue jacker need only be within effective transmission range. And that range has been extended by garage-bound geeks with high-gain directional antennae. And, as is usually the case with new security vulnerabilities, many developers weren't even aware that they should have been trying to prevent such attacks.

While the art of preventing blue jacking is still in its infancy, there is now a tool to help. It's called Bluediving, and it's only just hit version 0.1 this week. But since it's an open-source project, the more cooks, the faster the soup will be finished.

Bluediving is a Bluetooth penetration tester, designed to poke Bluetooth-using hardware with the dreaded BlueSnarf, BlueSnarf ++, BlueSmack and BlueBug attacks common among cyberpunks. In addition, Bluediving can spoof Bluetooth addresses, allowing testers and their nefarious evil twins to jump into transactions and muck things up.

So for device developers and Bluetooth users, it's time to start paying attention to blue jackers. Otherwise, we'll all have to start keeping our precious information on folded sticky notes inside our wallets again.

My only criticism of Alex's piece is that he gives developers of insecure software a complete pass for developing sniffable, insecure crap and dumping it on us unawares. I don't. Security nazis have been wailing in the wilderness for DECADES about insecurity in software. This is more evidence that there are too many people who don't belong in software development -- both on the developer side AND the management side.

In my experience many of the security lapses are due to executive management pushing too aggressive a timeline to ship product and failing to take seriously the security issues raised by developers. It's time that we impose civil liability for software security violations. Where's a good attorney when you need one?! Oh, wait, there aren't any. Except mine - when I get sued. Heh. Yes, I'm talking out of both sides of my mandibles. Deal with it.

I started leaving Bluetooth turned off on my phone a couple weeks back when I caught another Avanaut (who shall remain nameless) on my current project sniffing Bluetooth traffic... unless I absolutely have to use my headset (currently busted awaiting warranty replacement Jabra 250v) or ActiveSync via Bluetooth, but I turn it right back off when I’m done. You should, too. Think of it the same way you do locking your doors or setting your car alarm.

I’ll bet most people don’t know if their Exxon-Mobile SpeedPass or even their cell phone are constantly broadcasting “Me! Hack me!"... Heh.

Strike now!

Battlefront: You might be a good candidate for sith lord if...

2005-12-28T17:44:00.000-06:00

You might be a good candidate for sith lord:

If you've ever been killed by the last wookie in the room... while you were reloading...

If you think it sucks that killing jawas is considered "friendly fire."

If you've ever gotten completely lost in Jabba's palace...

If you've ever killed another player by "running him over" with a starfighter... just because you could.

If you've learned that it's more dangerous to run while looking through a sniper scope than it is to run with scissors.

If you've racked up more ewok kills inside an assault walker without firing your weapons than by firing them. Field goal!

If you don't mind being turned into a droid just so long as it means that you get to kill gungans.

If you know how many seconds of free fall you can get before you die after jumping (or falling, see #5) from Cloud City on Bespin.

If you ever gone on a killing spree of just Gamorian guards while ignoring the real rebel enemy. (See #3.)

If you believe the rebel scum are no better than those damn Tusken raiders. Kill 'em all and let the midichlorians sort 'em out.

You might be addicted to Battlefront if you go back and read the list again adding "More than once." at the end of each item and find that they're all still true. Heh.

Strike back!

BizTalk 2004 + .NET 2.0 not always happy together :: In case you were wondering...

2005-12-02T10:51:00.000-06:00

Under certain circumstances, BizTalk 2004 cannot run side-by-side with .NET 2.0. Big :-( It seems to work fine on a single processor machine, but on a multiprocessor Windows 2003 Server, something ugly breaks in the threading model and any orchestration that tries to enlist an MSDTC transaction fails. There's an XLANG synchronization failure that kills the BizTalk process and forces it to restart every 60 seconds. Boo! Removing .NET 2.0 from the box cures it. If I find time later, I'll pump in more documentation of the failure.

Very big ;-(

Too bad Blogger doesn't automatically insert the right smileys. Maybe I need a new blog?

Strike out!!

BizTalking: Some people laugh, some people cry.

2005-11-21T21:21:00.000-06:00

If you ever find yourself "Unable to pass parameters to Business Rules in BizTalk Server 2004?" for some reason, then the linked article may be for you. At least as long as you're stuck on BizTalk 2004 projects. The core of the work-around is "you must prefix the assembly name to the schema manually." Thanx, Shaun!!

Strike fast.

Show me the code.

2005-11-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

Interview techniques vary widely. The Database Mole seems to think that you can pull the truth out of candidates without the use of tongs and red hot pokers. Silly mole.

I'm wondering why he thinks it's "monstrous" to confont someone who is applying for a job with an examination. With or without warning. A real hands-on "quiz" using the tools that they will be using on the job under time pressure and ambiguity pressure is the only way to see if they can do what they say they can do!! If they want the job badly enough, they'll perform.

The Quiz is not just a measure of skill but a measure of commitment to changing jobs!! Too many losers have wasted my valuable time in the past because they were bored, mad at the boss or just curious if they could make more money somewhere else. If you're not willing to invest an hour or so to "show me the code" in order to win a place on the team, then you're not committed to changing jobs.

I described The Quiz in a previous post. I highly recommend it. YMMV.

Strike now!

Are you a public figure?

2005-11-21T10:07:00.000-06:00

Answered no, did you? You might be wrong. At least one judge thinks that you are if you’ve been the subject of conversation on the internet... What's next? Does publishing a blog make one a public figure?? Scary, eh??? Read on for more details: Wired News: Are You a 'Public Figure'?.

Don't get me wrong, I love Virtual PC, but...

2005-10-27T11:46:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I love Virtual PC, but it has issues. The whole point of virtualization is to abstract the hardware out of the equation and enable you to move images around. There are a couple of gotchas in Virtual PC 2004 with that. In creating an image for a BizTalk development environment, I ran into one of these naughty little critters...

After installing the Windows Server 2003, all the spiffy BizTalk prerequisites, Visual Studio .NET 2003, etc, I sysprep-ed the image so that each developer would have to use his own personal MSDN Universal license keys for Windows and Office 2003; sysprep calls all of the other installers (for SQL Server 2000, BizTalk, the service packs, etc) after mini-setup is done because SQL Server and BizTalk do *NOT* rename well. C'est la guerre. All that was good and tested nicely on my Toshiba Tecra M3 (note the Centrino processor) many times.

Then I copied the image to the Dell micro-workstation P4 PCs that the developers will be using... and *KABOOM*. BSOD. I haven't seen a blue screen of death in a long time. They suck. I hope that they at least change the color with Vista, but I digress. The core of the error is someting wacky about an invalid operation or instruction and intelppm.sys and unloaded, blah, blah, blah. After hours of setup time, I'm starting to get irritated.

Turns out that somebody in Redmond in or near the Virtual PC team blogged about a related but this past Monday. Ain't synchronicity grand? At least Google indexes HIS blog properly... See Virtual PC Guy's WebLog : Problems with Intelppm.sys and processr.sys under Virtual PC / Virtual Server.

In order to get around this "special feature," I had to copy an un-sysprep-ed image to a P4, disable the intelppm driver in the registry and then sysprep the image. (Apparently something in sysprep reactivates the feature because it didn't work when I disabled the driver and sysprep-ed on the Centrino before copying to the P4.) One man's bug is another man's feature. Heh. But with help from the Virtual PC Guy, we got it a-werkin'!!

Strike one!

OMG! It could be worse than Hillary in '08.

2005-10-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

Walken for President 2008

This is the same guy who can't do an interview with anybody and make sense. I don't think he's ever been in public other than while under the influence of unspecified, probably-not-legal substances... Nobody can seriously want this guy carrying the nuclear football.

While I'm NOT a huge fan of Laura Ingram, I do think she needs to send a personally autographed copy of her book, Shut Up and Sing to Mr. Walken. (Maybe he could sound out the first two words? Or let his agent read them to him?) Possibly to every loony in Hollywood.

Strike down liberalism!

How about a tax cut instead?

2005-10-25T07:27:00.000-05:00

This is insane. I don't want my Congress Critterz deciding how to upgrade my TV equipment!! This is just as stupid as publicly funded sports arenas. Which probably means it will happen.

Slashdot | Congress Pays You $3 Billion to Keep Watching TV

It's long past time for another tea party.

Strike now!

Can you Hummer-size that, please?

2005-10-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

In order to get over the "gas is cheaper" hump (even at $3US a gallon), you've got to have some serious coolness factor. I'm personally in favor of nuclear-powered cars, but I'll settle for a fuel cell... if it comes in a Hummer-sized package. I simply can't fit all the wife and kidlets (with car safety seats) in a teensy little four-door, and the wife won't ride on the bumper for some reason...

Never-the-less, Honda's got a pretty cool concept car in the works: Green Car Congress: Hondas More Powerful Fuel Cell Concept with Home Hydrogen Refueling. Even the greenies can't complain about a Hummer-sized vehicle if it doesn't run on oil, right?

Strike more!

From the Fair & Balanced File: The Opposite of Unit Testing

2005-10-20T13:58:00.000-05:00

For an opposing opinion, on the subject of unit testing, you can always look to the Jedi who think they walk on water and believe that they never forget to double-check any of their own code: Unit testing is teh suck, Urr.. Mr. Wil Shipley despises unit testing, which is obvious from his deleterious rant. It is a case in point that he has a Constitutional Right®, of course, to be an idiot. Years of breathing too much oxygen seems to do that to people...

To paraphrase him (and his grandfather), "I've been doing it this way for a million years and it's always been good enough before!" He even makes the goofy claim that he won't switch because he doesn't have any hard data. Heh! There is plenty of hard data that the state of software development is horrific. But if we follow Wil's advice of doing more of the same from decades past, we'll continue to get the same kind of buggy software that went on before... I'm only linking to it by way of reminding myself that there are more minions out there which remain to be conquered by the forces of Order and Righteousness. There is more random not-quite-agreement over at the Coding Horror.

Unit testing isn't the be all and end all of testing. Period. Because you still have to spend years in integration testing and acceptance testing before installing your already obsolete software at the client site. (How else are we supposed to make money on upgrades? Heh.) Unit testing is a damn good practice to impose on the underpaid, sometimes-offshore monkeys in your software factories because developers are human, unreliable and make mistakes. They forget to include things in protein tests later. They don't make checklists. They don't even read my blog. Besides, unit tests give you pretty red and green lights AND spiffy new metrics like "code coverage" to crush the spirit of those evil developer monkeys with. Put the screws to them by demanding that they write the unit tests AND the program code in the same amount of time under the same budget as they used to just write just the software. And the best part is that you can slap a shiny, new "agile" label on the "methodology" to make it easier for management to swallow it (and pay extra for!).

Make the world a better place: Smack down a Jedi prima donna today!

Is your color printer spying on you?

2005-10-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

This article, Schneier on Security: Secret Forensic Codes in Color Laser Printers, brings up an interesting point. Most of us have no idea how many people are spying on us all the time, or could if they wanted to.

You have to wonder what possed Xerox to put them in there in the first place. Was it a secret deal pre-dating the Patriot Act? Where are Mulder and Scully when you need 'em? Is the Internet slowly taking over the planet? Or is this just a bug in the self-diagnostic routine? Heh.

Strike something!

Children incompatible with blogosphere?

2005-10-17T16:17:00.000-05:00

Jeff Stahler is a funny guy. Somehow, though, I feel like I/we/you are the butt of this blogosphere joke and it's not as funny as I think it is... At least the paternal figure in the cartoon gets a little more respect and peace-and-quiet than is typical of someone in the blogosphere here at Fort Reed.

Strike out!

Test-Driven BizTalk

2005-10-17T07:41:00.000-05:00

The great equalizer, TDD is. The stronger your unit testing skills are, the more powerful you will be. You will be. Heh.

If you've been living under a development rock in VB6 or hiding inside an IBM mainframe cave, here's the short version of test-driven development (TDD): write your tests before you write your code. It’s sometimes thought to be the same as its cousin test-first development (TFD). [See TDD = TFD + refactoring.] The purpose of TDD is to improve quality and to improve resistance of the solution to regression errors by wrapping *everything* in unit tests from as many different angles as possible (success and failure). TDD is arguably the core of most agile methodologies, like Extreme Programming (XP). Use it when you want/need to interpose insurance against expected high levels of change and churn between yourself and "the customer(s)." And when wouldn't you want to do that?

OK, so you get it. You test first. You ask questions later. And then you're assigned to a BizTalk project. So what? Well, it's a little harder to wrap NUnit around BizTalk than a simple .NET assembly. But you've got to start somewhere, right? Here's where you start: MSDN Webcast: Test-Driven Development with BizTalk Server 2004 (Level 200).

Now this webcast isn't a heavy-duty, nothin' but code, level 400 course, but it's a decent start and a decent introduction to TDD. You'll have to register to watch the webcast, but that's a small price to pay (since BillG already knows who you are and all about you anyway). You can either install the LiveMeeting replay ActiveX control and watch it streamed or download the WMV (it's ~8.15MB) and view it offline later. What better use could you have for an hour of your time? (Besides web comics and hacking the company firewall for fun and profit, I mean. Ha-ha!)

Seek the green lights, padawan, for in them your salvation from regression errors will be...

Strike now!

64-bit bitching: What's the point?

2005-10-14T08:47:00.000-05:00

Everywhere you read about Windows Server 2003 64-bit editions (either x64 or IA), the big warning is "You're going to have problems with drivers!" and "Beware the missing 64-bit drivers!!" And, yes, I can confirm that drivers are a problem; however it's not the biggest problem, dammit!!!

Out of the box, the x64 version doesn't have the .NET Framework installed!! Windows Update doesn't deliver the 1.1 Framework to it even as an option, either. Then, the quote-unquote 64-bit version of SP1 won't install on the x64 version (it's not clear which 64-bit version is supported, but I must assume it's only IA), leaving one to install the 32-bit version of SP1 on your 64-bit machine. Most of the post-SP1 hotfixes will not install on the x64 version... and the list goes on. But those are just the minor nits that I have to pick.

The biggest problem is that Microsoft in its infinite wisdom did NOT build the 64-bit versions identically to the 32-bit versions - for obvious reasons, but one could certainly HOPE for a bit better thought out backwards compatibility!!! Geez, you can't even install standard Windows Server System products on it that aren't specifically 64-bit... It's almost as if M$ doesn't care if you can only use 64-bit hardware for SQL Server 2000! After fighting with SharePoint Portal Server (which refuses to install on the x64 version), I had no choice but to revert to the 32-bit version and accept the memory management problems that is has with more than 3GB of RAM. *big pout*

I obviously don't have enough free time.

2005-10-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

Some guy named Sakakibara Kikai has built what he calls a Land Walker Robot. I'm not sure that it meets the definition of robot, since it's got a human pilot and is human controlled... but he's got one (and it's armed) and I don't, so I'm not inclined to quibble.

OK, so it's only armed with what look like spongie tennis balls (right now), but hey... That beats not having one, right?

As soon as I save up enough money to buy some free time, I'm going to build me a 'mech that can take Sakakibara's robot's lunch money.

Actually, now I have to choose between a 'mech and rocket plane... Hrm. Tough choice.

Strike soon!

BizTalk 2006 absolutely rocks.

2005-10-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

As I spend more time with BT2k6 in the coming days/weeks/months/years, I'll share more of my favorite features. However, one teensy little improvement over previous versions of BizTalk is enough to make it a compelling upgrade, IMNSHO. Here's the feature description from Understanding BizTalk Server 2006:

In BizTalk Server 2006, it’s also possible to subscribe to specific error conditions. Unlike the previous release, in which messages that caused errors were simply suspended, an error message can now be processed in a particular way or routed to a specific destination, such as a WSS folder.

Yeehaw!

Now, the rumors of its slight delay in RTM delivery is a little disappointing, but you can't have everything, eh? Get the beta anyway and get to work!

Strike now!

One small step closer to getting off this rock!!

2005-10-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

Who says that prayers are never answered?? (It must be just that guy, because mine sure are.) Woohoo!! As soon as I sell as many internal organs as I can spare for the money, I'm going to be joining the Rocket Racing League! [A big thank you to Fox News for profiling the league tonight.] Yeehaw!!!

And to think earlier today that I was going settle for an RC helicopter...

Look for my Texas-sized rocket racer zooming over a major metropolitan area near you.

Strike fast!

Moments of epiphany

2005-10-04T05:34:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while, you read a book that makes you say, "Aha!" It's especially rare to find a book that delivers more than one "Aha!" moment about a technology that you've been working with for quite a while.

Fast Track to MDX is just such a book. If you have time for only one reference/tutorial to get you up to speed on the guts of Microsoft SQL Server Analysis Services, this is that book.

Strike many times!

Serenity: Just for the record.

2005-09-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

Before I abandon this blog entirely, I want to state emphatically that Joss Whedon is my master now. The movie opens Friday. Go see it.

Link: How to Doom your IT operations in 3 easy steps

2005-09-26T15:42:00.000-05:00

Hrm. It seems that incompetent Jedi continue to get promoted into positions of authority everywhere. A truly sad day because I wish that my last place of entertainment was the only place that this rant could've been written of:

Eric Wise : How to Doom your IT operations in 3 easy steps

Eric is definitely an honorary Sith! He did the smart thing and vacated the premises instead of staying to fight the inevitable tide of humanity and Jedi, probably for the same reason that I did -- They wouldn't make him Emperor! Anyone who advocates a single, unified vision, that all should subvert their own egos and career goals for "the good of the Company" and who demands that everyone march in lock step with "the Department's best interest" is well on his way toward the Dark Side. Welcome, Eric! You're definitely executive material!!

My favorite quote is:

Oftentimes the users see IT as an invisible pod full of trolls who want to make their lives miserable. Getting your IT staff out and visible helps put forth the human side of things.

Eric, you're a genius! Getting those IT trolls out in the sunlight also serves to help reduce the troll overpopulation problem!! Huzzah!!!

Strike hard!

DeepVertical launches vertical search site targeting autism.

2005-09-26T15:22:00.000-05:00

This just flew by in a press release in a totally unrelated forum, and if I wasn't sensitized to the word (being a parent of an autistic child) I might've scanned right over it.

New vertical search engine: AutismAware.com - Autism Information Search Engine

I haven't used it for anything non-trivial yet (having just discovered it), but I plan to exercise it heavily and see how deep it really is.

Strike fast!

Ding-dong, Palm is dead?

2005-09-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

Yes, Verizon has been getting bigger and faster. That's good, because it puts pressure on my current carrier (Not-Verizon Inc) to get their act together. (Buying Nextel doesn't matter to me, guys, unless it means faster data access! Hurry up!!) However, this little announcement from Bill's Company might be evidence that either Verizon is now powerful enough to raise the dead -- or Palm really is toast.

Windows Mobile 5.0 on a Palm Treo?!

I liked the Treo 600 that I had for a while, but I'm much happier with the Sprint PPC-6600 (aka the Audiovox 6600). The 6600 has its issues, but all things considered, I prefer the larger screen and slide-away keyboard (protects the keys!). I just hope the eventual upgrade to WM5 is painless...

Strike quickly!!

Bluetooth Sprint modem experience in Rita's aftermath

2005-09-24T08:33:00.000-05:00

Since Rita seems to have eaten Time Warner/RoadRunner in my little corner of Houston, I was getting ready to start kicking myself for never having signed up for Verizon’s data service... $80 a month used to seem a bit too steep. Then it occurred to me that I might be able to find and download some 3rd party widget which would enable me to use my PPC-6600 as a modem. Imagine my pleasant surprise to discover that it was already built in! (No, I don’t normally read the fine manuals. Why do you ask?) Unlike my old Treo 600, no 3rd party widget is required. WModem is very nice -- a big thank you to everyone at Microsoft and Sprint for making it so easy to use.

I had a Merlin Aircard at the last place of entertainment, and it was a bit pokey; this connection through the 6600 seems to be a little faster even through Bluetooth, but it’s still only 115k after all. (I’m using Bluetooth because I can’t figure out how to disable ActiveSync 3.8 which automatically starts synchronizing via the USB connection, and I don’t want to give myself the uninstallation/reinstallation headache. And even after I manually kill the ActiveSync connection and finally get Windoze to try to recognize the phone as a USB modem, it gives up after failing to find the driver.)

The Bluetooth connection was cake to setup as a standard Bluetooth modem (it eats up two new phantom COM ports) and then it was super easy to create a dial-up connection to #777 with no authentication credentials (presumably the phone itself provides sufficient identification to the Sprint data network). No need to use the expensive AT&T Global dial-up thing that Avanade provides; if you’ve got Sprint data coverage, this is mo’ bettah. And the best part, if you don’t like getting phone calls, is that the phone won’t ring while you’re using it as a modem.

In short, I’m blogging Rita (the non-event that she was in Houston) via Sprint’s PCS network from my Tecra... while that teasing little blinking light on the RoadRunner modem taunts me. I can almost hear the daemonz of disconnectedness laughing at me! Almost. Although one could wish for faster than what Sprint offers now, I’ll thank them kindly for the 115k that I do have, and at least now I know that I won’t be sitting around the airport lamenting my disconnected state anymore!! (Since friggin' T-Mobile HotSpots are never where you need 'em.)

The truth is out there?

2005-09-23T16:12:00.001-05:00

For decades we've been verbally and legislatively pounded with the eeevils of burning fossil fuels and using efficient coolants. A few sane folks have maintained that more actual science needs to be done. Fortunately, there are some real scientists out there still on the job instead of preaching to smelly Earth Day types and raising the cost of producing a decent gallon of gas.

The truth about global warming - it's the Sun that's to blame

Oops!! It looks like it might not be Hummers and Expeditions to blame after all. The downside is that... [drum roll] There's not a damn thing we can do about solar energy output, no matter what you drive.

In the wake of hurricanes Katrina and the looming Rita, everybody's talking about not being able to afford NASA projects anymore. If you think that then in the immortal words of General Honore, "You're stuck on STUPID!!" If the Sun has turned up the Earth Toaster setting from light toward dark enough to start meling the polar ice caps on MARS then we need NASA now more than ever!

Somebody get me off this rock!!!

Waiting for Rita...

2005-09-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

It looks like the ~2M people who vacated my general vicinity here in Houston may be in for a big disappointment. And that's a good thing! (At least from the perspective of Houstonians like me.) We're fixin' to get wet one way or another, though. Here's to hoping that Reliant can keep the electrons flowing and Time Warner can keep the Road Runner on the rails this weekend... or I might wind up in HALO2 withdrawal. Heh.

Shoot first!!

Chunk bigger, padawan.

2005-09-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

I've gotten a lot of questions about web service design in the past six months or so, and almost always they have come from people who are still trying to use web services like a data access layer...

STOP THAT!!

You can't just insert a web service call wherever you would have used a database call in the pre-SOA world. It just doesn't work that way because the penalties for marshalling and serialization are too high! You've got to design your web service interfaces to be more purpose-built and to return more data than a typical request for data.

My personal benchmark goal for an ASP.NET application has been no more than one web service call to handle each single client web request event. One for Page_Load, one for each event handler, but no more.

Chunk your web methods bigger, padawan, and your application performance will improve immensely.

(With apologies to Pollotta and Foglio for ripping off their timeless STOP THAT! cannon. If you haven't read Illegal Aliens, you must stop now, go buy it and read it immediately.)

SQL Server 2005 Reporting Services bug (Build 1308)

2005-09-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

Yet another obligatory beta software warning!

Strong Warning: If you're using the August/September/CTP/TAP/Whatever-you-call-it of SQL Server 2005 for Reporting Services, you won't be able to run reports against Analysis Services out of the box with Build 1308.

Why you ask? Because whoever built the freaking installer forgot to GAC the MDXQueryGenerator.dll!!! It worked fine with the June CTP, so... of course, they had to screw it up for this build. *sigh*

Easy fix, after you waste the day wondering what makes you so masochistic as to try to build shiny new products on software that Brother Bill ain't finished yet... Just GAC the MDXQueryGenerator.dll on the Reporting Services server and things will start working again.

Oh, BTW, they seem to have removed gacutil from .NET 2.0, so don't bother looking for it. Just use the MMC console to manage it.

Strike fast!

Data security in the small.

2005-09-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

Pop Quiz: Does your kid's child care facility use encryption to store the personal information that they keep on file about your family members?

Like most small businesses, I'll bet they don't.

Does the public school system do any better at protecting your family's data?

So, what do you do when you find out that the computers at your kid's child care facility or school have been stolen? Worry? Yell? Sue? Wonder? Watch your kids like a hawk? What do you do when it happens with no disclosure and you DON'T find out??

This isn't a hypothetical question for Darth Reed. This actually happened a couple days ago to the child care facility at our health club (who shall remain nameless for the moment). The details are sketchy, but it smells like an inside job to me. But who stole the PCs (and the data on them)? Punks who wanted higher performance toys? Junkies that needed some quick cash? Pedophiles who wanted the pictures of the kids, their addresses and the work out schedules of the parents?

You see, we don't know exactly what was stored besides pictures of us and our kids, our membership numbers and other basics. Were those things stored locally? On a network server? Were they encrypted with a meaningful level of complexity? Do you know who is keeping what information about you, where, why and with what level of protection around it?

At my last place of entertainment, we used no encryption whatsoever, despite warnings by the development staff, because in the immortal words of the former CEO, "Nobody has ever fraudulently purchased a home on behalf of someone else." They completely ignore (to this day, as far as I know) the fact that the personal appointment calendars of both customers and REALTORs® (which homes they have and will see and when -- along with notes about their preferences and impressions of the properties), the financial profile of each individual who was interested in buying a home and lots of private contact information like cell phone numbers and mortgage tracking documents were stored in the system. At best, a highly motivated seller with that data could hold out for a much higher price if she knew that the buyer was willing and able to spend more. At worst, a stalker could meet the prospect at an out of the way, unoccupied home for an illicit rendezvous that the prospect wouldn't appreciate at exactly the time scheduled on the customer's calendar. But, of course, executive management didn't believe that encryption and better security (like SSL certificates!) was worth the cost.

You may not have thought about it this way (I didn't until just recently), but there are more important data points in your life to protect than your credit card numbers... Your bank and credit card balances are insured, but no amount of insurance can really replace your wife and kids.

We software developers have got to STOP letting ignorant business people and miserly project sponsors skip over the simple but important bits of data security and start building our applications with some better self-protection.

Strike first!!

I love beta software!!! Mostly. Not.

2005-09-14T16:17:00.000-05:00

My favorite error to date with SQL Server 2005 (April, June, July and August CTPs -- jury is still out on the September RC) is:

Executing the query ...
Errors in the OLAP storage engine: The restrictions imposed on partition slice where violated.
Execution complete

Isn't that a beautiful thing? So far, it seems to mean that I've selected too much data and Analysis Services refuses to analyze. Reducing the number of member selections without changing anything else in the query makes it all better. Grrr. I guess even Microsoft can only cram so much intelligence in the business...

If I were an aircraft mechanic, I'd go on strike. Heh.

The infamous disclaimer

2005-09-13T07:13:00.000-05:00

Being of unsound mind and slightly round body, I am, of course, belated in posting my obligatory blog disclaimer. Better late than fired, I always say. (I have borrowed heavily from Wlodarczyk's blog's disclaimer. Apologies in advance for my heavy usage of apostrophes and commas.)

I am currently an employee of Avanade® Inc. My blog is mine. Avanade® Inc. is a joint venture between Accenture® and Microsoft® Corporation. My blog is still mine®. Oops, 5-yard penalty for inappropriate use of ®. The opinions represented in this blog are mine as well and may not (and probably won't) represent my employer's opinions or the opinions of my employer's owners. I have not been brainwashed by anyone to write praises about Avanade® Inc., Accenture®, Accenture® services, Microsoft® Corporation or Microsoft® Corporation technologies, I'm just writing about the technology, science fiction and other random things that I love, especially my kids. OK, well, maybe I won't blog about my kids, but you've been warned, just in case I do! All of my posts will include information that is public knowledge, so don't look to me to get internal information about any future Avanade® Inc. initiative, Accenture® strategy or Microsoft® Corporation product. My blog is still mine. And there may be other blogs elsewhere with my name on them.

Now back to your regularly scheduled random excrement.

This is why surprise parties for Sith are a BAD THING.

2005-09-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

You should never shout "Surprise!" in a dark room when somebody who can kill you with his mind has just opened the door...

F-Minus: Surprise Party

"Oops, sorry!" is all that I'll have to say when you regain consciousness. Heh.

On a lighter note, I'll be publishing my series of "Why Extreme Programming is the Perfrect Demotivational Paradigm" articles based upon the illuminating works of Dr. Kersten in "The Art of Demotivation" later this month.

Got the wired mouse blues?

2005-08-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

It may be inexplicably hard to come by (it was for me in Houston), but there is a full-size Bluetooth mouse out there. I've always liked the Intellimouse Explorer, but I got tired enough of carrying around the giant wireless dongle that goes with the class wireless version -- not to mention the fact that the USB ports on the Tecra M3 are right where I want the mouse to be!. Hence I went looking for a Bluetooth mouse. I didn't want to wait for Amazon to ship it to me, but... Best Buy did not have it, and neither did CompUSA, OfficeMax, Office Depot or MicroCenter. I hate going to Fry's, but it was my last stop anyway so I gave it a chance and that's where I found it. I'm very happy with the Microsoft IntelliMouse Explorer for Bluetooth; the only thing that it's missing is an OFF switch so that I don't have to remove the batteries (to save them) while travelling. It may be hard to find, but it's worth it.

WSE3 Beta! Woot!!

2005-08-24T21:51:00.000-05:00

Spiffy new tech preview. Interesting, even if you’re not in the .NET 2.0 world yet, it’s worth knowing about the major upgrades coming your way. Standards compliance, blah, blah. What's really cool is the time savings when implementing boring stuff like encryption, authentication, yadda-yadda.

Down load WSE3 Beta

Rumor has it that there won’t be a WSE3 adapter for BizTalk 2k4, though. ;-( Time for me to start rattlin’ cages about that. It’s not much use to me long-term if it don’t habla BizTalk.

Strike now.

The dangers of Rhapsody

2005-07-27T16:08:00.000-05:00

OK, some things are just completely freaking wrong... This is the danger of having Rhapsody, folks. You wind up listening to all Star Wars Episode 1 to the tune of “American Pie” compressed into 5.5 minutes (among other things)... and that’s just the first song.

I am now afraid that I’m going to wake up screaming at 4am humming “Oh, my, my this here Anakin guy. Maybe Vader some day later, now he’s just a small fry. Now he left his home and kissed his mommy good-bye. Soon I’m going to be a Jedi.” Ahhh, it burnz...

You're missing something in your life if you haven't listened to Running With Scissors.

Does anybody know where this cretin lives?

2005-07-11T11:27:00.000-05:00

Tim over at Control-Alt-Delete posted a link to this video; I must've missed Hannity & Colmes that day...

Michael Crook takes a pounding on Fox News

It's unbelievable that people with such limited intellect as Crook can still breathe without mechanical assistance. Even Alan Colmes had to punch him (verbally) a couple times. It's difficult to believe that this wasn't a Fox setup to make some news hay... If I hadn't actually met people like Crook while I was in college.

I think that it would not be a tragedy if a few American citizens who value the sacrifice the troops are making on our behalf visited Mr. Crook and "enlightened" him about the value of military training.

Strike first!

They're here!!! Das Keyboard and PistolMouse.

2005-07-06T20:29:00.000-05:00

My Das Keyboard and PistolMouse FPS arrived today. Muy cool. The keyboard feels right and the key travel is very nice. Now I don't have to worry about what the scroll lock is for anymore! (Because it's not labeled, I can ignore it now. Heh.)

I'm a little disappointed in the PistolMouse (unrealistic and unmet expectations -- not anything wrong with the mouse), but I'm going to keep it. The trigger pull is good -- although the satisfying recoil of my Glock 17s is notably absent. The right mouse button-equivalent is hard to get used to, but OK. I was expecting something that looked like a 1911-style Government Model, but I'll get over it. The mouse travel is smooth and the thumb wheel is perfect.

I can't wait to paste the walls with Jedi guts!!

Shoot first!

ASP.NET Control Lifecycle

2005-07-06T20:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted an technically geeky .NET stuff lately, but since this came up in conversation today (yet another person having trouble with dynamically added dropdownlists to SharePoint web parts), so it thought I’d share.

ASP.NET Control Lifecycle

Strong Warning: If you add your controls dynamically in the wrong phase, you're going to have problems. Especially in SharePoint web parts!!

Be sure that you really understand this lifecycle before you start ranting and raving about web controls being too hard, and viewstate sucks and all that. Don't be a lamer. Web controls work. Web controls rock. You just need to get a clue. (And stop coding in VB.NET, dork!)

Strike last!

Greivous and I were just talking about this very thing.

2005-07-04T12:24:00.000-05:00

It's long overdue. I was relatively happy with my Bluetooth devices, although the sound quality of the headsets from Scala and Jabra SUCK by comparison with wired devices, until I read that Darth Gates is looking for a few good cyborgs...

The fact that it's 2005 and I'm still using an analog keyboard/mouse-equivalent device is very sad indeed. Plug me in. Wire me up! Gates nurtures 'sub-derma' technology

I'd like my multi-band satellite phone embedded where my left ear-like thing used to be and I'd like a row of Pentium 4 10.0-GHz processors down my spine. A big flashing red LED on my forehead to let me know whether I'm on or not. Put the reset button in my right nostril. Plug in as much Flash RAM as you can fit wherever there's space. We might need a heat sink or three. Hrm. Put the fans in my second set of cheeks.

I imagine that we obese beings have a big advantage when it comes to cyborgization. If the sweat glands have to go, that's OK -- fewer annual showers would be a good thing. Make sure that the disposable batteries are flushable, please.

I'm ready for replacements for my repetitive stress injuries... We're about to find out what happens when humans live inside an artificial EM field 24/7/365. Heh.

Strike first!!

Is your keyboard Sith-approved?

2005-06-28T05:13:00.000-05:00

It is if your keyboard is one of these: ThinkGeek :: Das Keyboard. This has to be the manliest keyboard I've seen yet. (Until someone makes a keyboard that requires a minimum 6-pound trigger pull for each key...)

I must have one to go with my Pistol Mouse.

If you thought you were a touch typist then prove it!! Use a keyboard without the burden of key labels. Heh.

Strike back!

Sith approved!! Sith tested?

2005-06-28T05:12:00.000-05:00

Maybe now that I am un-unemployed, I'll have the scratch to buy one of these beauties... Spiffy!

PistolMouse FPS -- Review by ExtremeTech

Of course, you could donate one to The Cause. Email me for a routing number to one of my Swiss bank accounts for the donation of your life savings.

Strike first!

I'm not a Christian, but...

2005-06-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

I think the ACLU is in for some serious "heavy lifting" if they think that they can get all the crosses removed from government property... What do you think?

I think so!

[Apologies to the owner of the picture. The author has no idea from whence it came. -ed.]

Good bad attitude!

2005-06-24T11:13:00.000-05:00

From the Developer Pipeline comes a surprisingly Sith-like (perhaps even Shadows-like, if you're a B5 fan) attitude: IT Professionals: Embrace Change or Perish. I approve. If Rob Preston keeps it up, I might nominate him to be an honorary Sith Lord! There's nothing better than beating anybody (especially outsourcers) at their own game. Originally being from a small town in Indiana, I think that I can definitely see myself becoming a rural sourcer in the next five to ten years... Heh.

Strike back!

Things that make you say, "Hmmm..."

2005-06-21T16:03:00.000-05:00

Having recently made this leap myself into the consulting world (again), I find myself in the unusual position of agreeing with the leftists @ CNN. Weird.

Comp sci grads turn away from tech
With U.S. jobs going away, consulting becomes popular
full article

Although, I have to admit that CNN made a good choice with Nancy Grace. Besides being cute, she can attract the ferocious soccer moms (and dads) who have been lured away to the "evil conservative side" since 9/11, especially with her "kill 'em all and don't bother sorting 'em out" attitude about sexual predators, but I digress...

I'm sure there are lots of folks in the tech space who have differing opinions... and plenty of angst to go around. I heartily recommend taking a proactive role in shaping the direction of your career, whether you're a geek or not. Make a plan. Make some decisions. Make some changes. Do it yourself or have it done to you!

Strike back!

[Belated] Happy Fathers' Day.

2005-06-20T18:24:00.000-05:00

Since I was spending Fathers' Day with my male parental unit and my own nestlings, I was unable to properly blog yesterday. [Still looking for good Pocket PC blogware...]

However, in order to properly honor the occasion, I feel compelled to publicly thank my male parental unit for permitting me to live until reaching the species-appropriate age of majority and full adult maturity.

Thanx, Dad!!

Having many nestlings of my own now (three below the age-threshold of six!), I truly understand what an ordeal it must have been tolerating my very existence until my teen years passed into (merciful) oblivion.

Yes, some people put the apostrophe in a different place in the phrase "Fathers' Day." I don’t subscribe to those limited notions of punctuality. Get over it.

(Yes, I know that I used punctuality out of context and inappropriately in that sentence. I am a native 100kw speaker of American English. According to Chomsky et alia, if I say it, then ipso facto it must be correct. Deal with it. I happen to enjoy a little native speaker linguistic humor now and again. Ah, here come the people who are irritated because I insensitively referred to it as American English and not U.S. English... *draws lightsaber*)

Strike back!!

Cliché warning: Much ado about nothing?

2005-06-15T16:57:00.000-05:00

Having just been sent this link - Column from PC Magazine: Mac-Intel Aftermath - and many others just like it, I feel compelled to provide my uninformed commentary (for posterity's sake). This is, after all, the Michael Jackson trial-equivalent this month for technogeeks.

<begin blatant Mac-ignorant statement>
The only reason that Apple can do this now on X86 without a big effort is because OSX is nothing more than a pretty face sitting on top of a Linux kernel... This really isn't Jobs v. Gates anymore, except in marketing of the Apple brand to the allegedly faithful Mac Believers.This is really Torvalds v. Gates, IMO.
</begin blatant Mac-ignorant statement>

I base my blatant, Mac-ignorant statement on a few casual interactions, a date or three, with an iMac running OSX10.3 at my last place of entertainment. The UI was eerily KDE-like, but with a much "happier" twist. Unsettling to say the least. Ones' icons should most definitely NOT jiggle in response to ANY activity. Obviously the UI of choice for Dead Authors like Douglas Adams and Wacky Talk Show Hosts like Rush Limbaugh (besides being masochists, see if you can figure out what else they have in common)...

But just in case you thought the world was getting back to normal, Darth Reed is actively considering the purchase of a Mac mini. For testink purposes only. Honest.

Strike back!!

Of course nerds make better lovers!

2005-06-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

Not to say I told you so (to all of those ignorant sl--, nevermind, in high school and college who missed out on MY opportunity), but survey sez, "I told you so." Heh. Besides, this little piece in the NYT is simple validation. Today, Darth Reed is no longer unemployed! I'll try not to gloat. Heh.

New York Daily News - Home - Nerds make better lovers

It's nice to be in demand for once... I've gotten some great offers from some really great companies in the past few weeks, and I've wanted to take them all. There seems to be some legal AND space-time continuum reasons why 9 out of 10 dentists agree that I can't do work for all of these companies at the same time... hence I had to pick just one job. C'est la guerre. (I'll shower later; speaking French always makes me feel like I need to.)

Later this week, probably tomorrow, I will announce the company I selected from among the forerunners of the pack: Microsoft, PRERS (Phoenix), Avanade, Liquid Frameworks, etc. I may not say why, but I do have to say that I truly liked ALL of the companies that made me an offer -- and it was difficult to choose among them.

As much I as I have enjoyed the brief hiatus, it feels good to get back to hunting Jedi and preventing them from screwing up more .NET enterprise implementations!!

Strike back!